Tonight, our beverage of the choice comes from none other than the vaunted Michigan peninsula. A byproduct of the American heartland’s much renowned and fertile maze farms, this clean drink is noted for its strong apple notes and resplendent traces of dissolved carbon dioxide. Made using purified water from the pristine Great Lakes, at only $1 a bottle its a superb value and has delighted many a drinker on warm, summer nights. As Shakespeare once pontificated: “The summer’s flower is to the summer sweet, though to itself it only live and die.” Thankfully, however we can enjoy this delightful apparition whenever we well please.
The beverage in question, of course, is Faygo’s Candy Apple, a lovely bright red drink reminiscent in color of balloons and clown noses.
On the nose, Faygo Candy Apple has the overpowering odor of fresh green apple. So strong a scent, in fact, that no real apple could dare compare. It brings to mind fond childhood memories of Jolly Ranchers, that sort of artificial sweetness that reaches back to our most carnal desires, natural flavors reduced to their vital essence and then magnified artificially.
In the mouth is a different story. Though the smell suggests a lack of complexity, it belies a far more adventurous experience. As one might expect, the drink is citrus-like and strongly reminiscent of apples, and though almost cloyingly sweet its offset wondrously by the sharp bite of the carbonation. Naturally caffeine free, it lacks the bitter undertones of more common sodas.
But what really fascinates the palate is the distinct absence of certain auras. How do companies like Faygo create the synthetic illusion of “candy apple”? Where, one wonders, is the strange, indefinable taste of fiber and the remnant traces of dappled peel we so strongly associate with Malus domestica? How do you so successfully separate the constituents from the whole? It’s a mind-boggling line of questioning that suggests a bevy of grotesque factory scenes wholly unsuitable for polite society of the dinner table.
And truly, such contemplation is neither here nor there. A great drink requires more than philosophical rumination It begs for a suitable culinary pairing, and I could think of nothing better than a host of heavily processed food products. A bowl of Ramen, a Big Mac, or even a bag of barbecued potato chips makes the perfect companion to the beguiling twists of Faygo Candy Apple. I should mention that an accompanying intoxicant is strongly recommended also, and whether that’s caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or marijuana matters little, so long as its there to contribute to the overall sense of mental disarray.
To quote Shakespeare again: “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” So why not cool off, old friend, with a Faygo Candy Apple?