Faygo Red Pop is one of life’s great enigmas, up there with grape soda. Sure, Faygo claims that it’s a strawberry soda, which should settle the case, but if you look on the back it reads “CONTAINS NO FRUIT JUICE“, so obviously something strange is up. How could it taste like real strawberries, then? And, also, how could you have the audacity to say that the color red should taste like strawberries in the first place? Why not apples, or raspberries, or cherries, or – shout out the vampires in the audience! – human blood?
Of course, if you don’t take the time to really think about it, Faygo could fool you into thinking you’re drinking strawberry soda, just like how grape soda fools some people into thinking it tastes like grape. But if you close your eyes and take the time to concentrate on the flavor, you’ll notice that there isn’t actually anything strawberry about it. It’s creamy, has a sharp bite, and a hint of – I don’t know – a tart fruit? But there’s no strawberry here. Nuh-uh.
Honestly, it’s impossible to describe the so-called fruit taste. I want to tell you that it reminds me of a cherry or maybe a raspberry, but I feel like I can’t trust my senses. I feel like I’m being deceived – violated even! – by Faygo’s marketing tactic. I guess you could compare the flavor to a red Dum Dums sucker, although that still doesn’t get us to close to the truth, since then I’d have to describe how a red Dum Dums sucker tastes, and that would mean talking about cherry cough syrup, and that time… – ugh, no thanks, I’ll pass. It’s a conundrum.
Faygo Red Pop is an entirely synthetic experience, an experience that could’ve only been produced in a dark labratory on a mountaintop. It’s a true mad scientist’s product. What’s most important in the end, though, is that it’s delicious – enough so that it’s a signature flavor for Faygo. Just don’t think too hard about it, or you’ll fall down the rabbit hole, where red becomes strawberry and you’re never sure what you’re going to be, one minute to another.
Red pop. It tastes like red.