Fall in Michigan. It’s beautiful, they say. Look at the colors of the trees, the mosaic of gold, auburn, and crimson along the road! The leaves, flying in the airs!
I’ll tell you what it looks like to me: a bunch of no-good trees proudly waving their gold, auburn, and crimson flags in the air in surrender, packing it in before winter comes.
Quitters. Losers. Weaklings.
You know, I wish I could hibernate through the winter, too. But I’ll be stuck here, conscious for at least 45% of the winter, driving by the ugly, barren limbs of dormant trees on my way to the refrigerated warehouse I work at, because I have a job to do. Oh, and did I mention that my car’s heater doesn’t work?
So yeah, in the winter, I’m pretty much cold nonstop. I hate it, but I march on. That’s why I’m dedicating this blog post to the jack pine, a badass evergreen that toughs it out all year in Michigan, green as a motherfucker even when it’s zero out.
What makes it so badass? Well, though it might look like a regular ol’ pine, almost all its cones are serotinous. What that means – in English – is that the cones won’t release any seeds until they’re basically set on fire! Yes, these trees usually won’t produce until there’s a wildfire, unleashing their seeds in a wild orgy of death and mayhem. Their purpose in life then complete, they die at peace, a charred corpse, never having to see another dreadful Michigan winter again.
Now I can sympathize with that sentiment If I never have to shovel again late at night to “beat” some snowstorm before it piles on a few more inches of white powder before morning, or put on a pair of mittens and fumble around trying to grab stuff, I’ll die a happy man, too.
Stick that in your hot cocoa and shove it down your turtleneck, winter lovers. Why don’t you just move to Antartica if you really love it that much?